Feles has been the light of my life for nearly a decade. My poor old cat is still the most lovable, snugable darling on the planet, and even though Desmond and Molly have come into the household to complicate his life, he's been a very good sport about it all. While Iwouldn't call it true luv or anything, he tolerates his young charge with the same brand of apathy he shows for everything else. He'll even let Desmond bathe him or cuddle up next to him for a nap.

Feles still believes himself lord of the household, and stubbornly refuses to budge off his favorite sleeping places, even if those favorite sleeping places are important paper work or a black garment. However, when I'm not looking, it's Desmond who really controls the household.

About Feles

Try not to drool all over the keyboard or turn into a wriggling pile of mush at these darling photographs of he who deserves worship. Look long at those large vacant blue eyes. Your fingers will curl in the hopeless desire to reach into your computer screen and snug the itty bitty shitty kitty you see before you!

The name Feles is latin for "cat" (as in "feline"). Yeah, its a little generic, but what do you expect from a girl who majored in dead languages!

Feles has been my constant companion and dorm-kitten through most of my college years. He was a generous donation from my friend, the Lord Mcduff. Having dwelt in multi-human and multi-feline environments all his short, whiskered life, Feles is very mellow when strangers approach him. In fact, Feles is just very mellow. Okay, maybe "mellow" isn't the right word, how about stupid...? Um, it's a good thing I like only him for his looks.

Female cats will weep when they hear that first, Feles has been neutered, and second, that he is betrothed to his long-distance love, Abby, a cat with enough spunk to make up for Feles's serious spunk deficiency. It is unfortunate that his relationship has become long distance, as Abby has moved first to Tennesee, then to Kentucky. He still carries a torch for her, and I know that sometimes as he gazes blankly out the window that he's thinking of the only kitten who has so far ever gleaned a reaction from him.

Name: Feles Natas
Breed: Part siamese mutt-cat
Age: 8
Weight: 11.8 lbs.
Sex: None since his traumatic, life-altering surgery
Marital Status: Single, but betrothed to his long-distance love Abby
Number of Lives Remaining: 3, and holding strong since he became an indoor cat
Favorite Rivals: Bobtail, the cat from across the street with half a tail who spends waaayyy too much time in the yard Feles, condemned forever to be an indoor cat, can never play in; Koko & Mittens, the evil cats with whom he used to share a household
Catfood of Choice: Fancy Feast
Favorite Place: Foot of bed, on things he shouldn't be on, in the middle of a narrow walkway
Known Aliases: Fleas, Phyllis, Buh-nee, Rabbit, Flea-less, Fee, Stupid, Flea-bag
Favorite Activities:

  • sleeping
  • scratching fleas
  • sleeping
  • licking his butt
  • sleeping
  • chewing cords of electric devices
  • sleeping
  • laying on things he shouldn't be laying upon
  • sleeping
  • sitting in bunny-position while staring blankly at the wall
  • sleeping
  • day-dreaming of his long lost love, Abby
  • sleeping
  • chewing Desmond's head
  • sleeping

Multimedia Fee

And now, hear the sweet voice of my feline god, presented in .wav sound format for your listening pleasure:

Feles the Amazing Thousand Dollar Cat

Don't let that mellow personality fool you, Feles really does know how to get into trouble! Perhaps it's the only thing he knows, besides how to lick his butt (which is something I cannot say about my ex-roommate's cat Koko), but he knows it well.

The same cat who tries to bury his catfood like poop in the litter box forgot about his catlike grace when he took a tumble. He shattered his poor foot into eight or so little pieces, cracked his pelvis, and left a skidmark on his head (imagine him falling and using his head as a stopper).

Needless to say, that 17" monitor I was going to buy for my Macintosh went right around his small, furry foot. One very happy vet wrapped a piece of wire around shards of bone and then stuffed a big metal pin in his skin to stablize it. Feles feared he would never again pass through an airport metal detector (isn't that what all cats worry about?).

Of course, Feles did have to suffer the humiliation of THE CONE (see above picture) and having a big bandage on his foot. The latter he avenged by stepping in kitty doo and then stamping it all over the house. *sigh*

The new foot Feles's mistress bought for him costed a hefty thousand bucks. The moral of this story: Avoid being a sucker for a pretty face; it'll cost you in the long run...

You will be happy to hear that Feles has a fixed furry foot to tread upon his litterbox, and I now have a 17" Monitor sitting proudly beside my PowerMac G3! I guess you can call this a happy ending, especially since I've finally paid all the bills! See the picture below for a glimpse of a healed Feles sleeping beside that very 17" monitor.

The Thousand Dollar Pin
Believe it or not, this sharp-pointed, jagged-ended metal pin spent nearly a year nestled between fur and bone -- OUCH! The pin's actual size is about five inches long, and it nestled itself from Feles' sweet little round knee to his ankle. And yes, that really is Feles's dried blood staining the metal (yuck).

The Continuing Saga of My Dwindling Bank Account: Feles the Clawless

There are few but simple pleasures in the life of a cat: getting a good scratch behind the ears, eating a can of fancy feast, licking clean a soft furry butt, propagating the species, and of course, shredding anything and everything.

Once a cruel mistress took away his ability to mate, Feles figured there was nothing more devastating she could do to him. But yet again, she stuffed him into his cat carrier and dragged him, howling in protest, to the hideous toture chamber, where Sisyphus is a squaking parrot and Tantalus a three-legged cat, the dark hell that is Dr. Hah's office.

The big bad vet pulled out his dull scapel to inflict pain and suffering on an innocent kitty, and another one of those few little pleasures was snipped away like the tendons in his front paws.

Of course, Feles has yet to realize the cruelty inflicted by the credit card of his mistress. He still tries to scratch up the carpet by the door, he still tries to bury his food like a kittyturd, he still tries to assert his manly dominance over Desmond. He doesn't realize why he can no longer grab hold of a shoe lace wagged in front of his face or why his mistress only laughs when he tries to rip her flesh to ribbons.

And when my dull-witted felines does realize this, he will have to pathetically make due with the even fewer simple pleasures remaining, and his single brain cell may even wonder when his mistress will take him back to the vet to get his tongue cut off, so he can no longer entertain himself by licking his butt.

Number of Drooling Fools Who Have Slobbered in Love Over the Feles Page:

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